It’s not you, it’s Me.


By: Shea Harris

During the work week I have a few podcasts that I love to listen to in order to make the day go by faster. One of my favs is The Friend Zone with Dustin, Assante and Fran. During the beginning of the episode, Fran informs us of how amazing her wellness retreat was in the Dominican Republic. I religiously listen to these three every Wednesday, but I’ve never actually fully participated in some of the discussions until now.

This week Fran gave us a few questions to think about in regards to patterns we see in our relationships. When relationships end, we often think what do I have to work out so I won’t keep running into the same situations? After posing this question and giving us some time to think, she asked the following:


What are the patterns that keep coming up?

Where’d these patterns come from?

Who was the parent whose love you craved the most?

What was the performance you had to put on to receive that parents love?


I was actually taken back by the questions. Not because it hit me in the chest, but because I didn’t answer the questions in the same regard as the trio. I’m sure many of you were able to point out the patterns you see and your past relationships, but I couldn’t. The only factor I could come to was that I was the problem. To be honest, I don’t think I have a “type”; all of my ex-boyfriends are completely different. As I think back on relationships, I usually call it quits or lose interest first. I haven’t had to deal with men that disrespect me or cheat on me. I’ve dealt with men who choose not to keep up with me.

Now before you get all worked up, let me explain.

As a woman I like to own up to my mistakes and learn how to fix them. This particular situation is a bit different though. I always have been motivated and driven when it comes to my life. If I have a passion or goal to meet, I will do everything to make it possible to achieve. I’m sure we can all agree there’s no problem grinding towards things you want, right?

So now let’s add this grind to a relationship. When a man is added to the equation, it’s all good in the beginning. My man has goals and passions he wants to reach and he goes for it. I see the craving for this passion, the work ethic and I hear all these great things! But after a while that love and drive begins to slow down. The spark in his eyes for his passion begins to dim. The talks about his dreams coming to life begin to soften. Eventually there’s no mention of them at all.

Not only do I fall in love with potential, but I fall in love with people who simply don’t apply the same time, energy and grind to their dreams as I do. In the beginning, we dream together and we grind together. In the end, I walk away from someone I love because we are no longer compatible in my eyes. I’ve walked away from men because I continue grinding and they become content.

I hate becoming stagnant and content with things, which is why I’m always on the move and reaching for greater. I have a problem getting involved with men who are okay with where they are in life. Don’t get me wrong, that’s not horrible. I just don’t know if I’ll ever be with anyone who will grind as hard as I do and push pass barriers. I’m not saying I’m better than anyone, but I will say that my drive is a positive and negative thing.

The grind is great for my business, brand and self but not so great when a man is in involved. I’m always trying to reach higher heights and push past my comfort zone. I don’t want to be comfortable and I don’t want my man to be comfortable either, but clearly I keep running into comfortable men.

I had this same discussion with my girlfriend and she said ever so confidently: Shea, you are a catalyst to a reaction. There is nothing wrong with you. And you know what, she’s absolutely right! I am a pusher and there’s nothing wrong with that. I encourage and influence people to step outside of their comfort zone. I don’t know if I may be single forever, but The Friend Zone did help me realize the learned condition I apply to my relationships for survival (or lack there of). I have to keep in mind that you can’t help someone who doesn’t want to help themselves. 

Do you have any learned conditions you’ve applied to your relationships?

Do you plan on erasing those conditions and truly being yourself?

Comment below and let me know!







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